From Silence to Strength

In this heartfelt conversation, I got to sit down with my longtime friend, Stephanie, as she shared her journey from living in silence and fear due to an abusive marriage to finding her voice and embracing healing. She discussed the challenges of navigating her new life as a single mother, the importance of setting boundaries, and the support she received from her church and friends. Stephanie emphasizes the power of vulnerability, the necessity of trusting God, and the importance of empowering others to speak up about their struggles. Her story serves as a beacon of hope for anyone feeling trapped in their circumstances, reminding them that healing is possible and they are never alone.

What you learn from Stephanie: 

• Stephanie's journey highlights the importance of sharing one's story for healing.
• Living in survival mode can feel like a nightmare, but change is possible.
• Setting boundaries is crucial for personal healing and empowerment.
• Support systems can emerge from unexpected places during difficult times.
• Facing fears and taking action can lead to significant life changes.
• Healing is a journey that requires trust in oneself and in God.
• Letting go of bitterness is essential for moving forward.
• Empowering others to speak up can create a ripple effect of healing.
• Single parenthood comes with its own challenges, but support makes it manageable.

Stephanie's words that stay with us:
•    "Your voice matters."
•    "You're never stuck."
•    "It felt empowering."
 
Chapters

00:00 A Journey of Transformation
03:46 Facing the Truth of Abuse
06:52 Survival Mode: Living in Silence
09:54 The Turning Point: Finding Courage
13:01 Building a Support System
15:53 Setting Boundaries and Healing
18:51 Rebirth Through Faith
22:52 Empowerment and Moving Forward
24:55 Navigating Single Parenthood
27:51 Letting Go of Bitterness
31:10 Finding Joy and Self-Care
33:50 Embracing Courage and Healing
35:03 The Power of Sharing Stories

Resources and Links:
Stephanie's email:  stephhuff2015@gmail.com

Transcript

Speaker 00: 0:00

Stephanie and I have known each other for many years. If you had asked her six months ago if she'd ever share her story publicly, she probably would have said no. It wasn't that her story wasn't important then, it's that she was still healing, still afraid of being judged, still finding her voice again. But today, she's in a new season, one where she's standing in her truth, walking in her faith, and choosing to speak up, not just for herself, but for every woman who's ever felt small, silenced, or unsure of her worth. Stephanie's story is raw, it's real, and it's full of hard-earned wisdom. I'm so honored to share this conversation with you all. Stephanie, I'm so grateful you're here and willing to share your story. I'm happy to be here. I know this isn't easy, but I know that your story is going to be very powerful. You said six months ago that you might have been too scared to talk about this, but now you're in a new season. Can you share a little bit about what's changed for you?

Speaker 01: 1:04

Yeah, so six months ago, I was still married. Well, technically, I'm still married, but I was with my spouse. Not everything was perfect, but we were together. And now six months later, I am going through the process of divorce. into the single life, the single mom, have my own place. So it's a complete turnaround from where I was at six months ago.

Speaker 00: 1:32

Yeah. So what part of your life or experience do you feel in all of this hasn't often been talked about or maybe something that you kept mostly to yourself for a long time?

Speaker 01: 1:44

The main thing that I kept to myself was just, I mean, the abuse, right? Like, I think people are scared to step up and say, this is what's happening to me, you know, and it's not right. Something needs to be done. A lot of people don't have that courage to do that. And I did for years, you know, and that's where a lot has changed with that, too. I know that now I do have that courage because. There were so many things that were not right in our marriage, so many things that were not right of how I was being treated. And I think I was made to believe, for one, no one would believe me, and for two, that it would taint his reputation, like that was my responsibility. But then I realized it's not.

Speaker 00: 2:47

Do you mind going back a little bit further and sharing in your marriage, when did you start feeling the shift or the change in the relationship?

Speaker 01: 3:00

So the biggest change I can very vividly remember was when we went to Hawaii. I don't know what changed. I mean, still to this day, I couldn't tell you what it is, you know, specifically that happened within him. But that's when, you know, everything started to get physical at times. You know, it was just a lot more of the verbal abuse, emotional abuse. But it was a complete, like a completely different person.

Speaker 00: 3:30

And he never did that beforehand.

Speaker 01: 3:33

Not really. It was just, you know, little things here and there that, you know, things he would say. And I'd be like, you know, that's. I don't like that, you know, and I would bring it up and then he would, you know, of course, apologize and we would move on. But in Hawaii, like there was there was no apologizing, you know, everything, every action that he would do for some he would come up with some reasoning as it was my fault as to why, you know, he said that thing or, you know, he did that thing or whatever.

Speaker 00: 4:06

You mentioned that you were in moments where you were living in survival mode. What did that look or feel like in your everyday life?

Speaker 01: 4:14

That honestly, it was like living a nightmare. I mean, to me, my survival mode was literally just trying to wake up on time, get the kids to school, make it through the workday. And I felt like I just needed to make it back to bedtime again so I could just sleep, you know, and just forget about the whole day and then start it all over again.

Speaker 00: 4:40

During that time, what would people be surprised to learn? Did you show anything different in your day to day to most people?

Speaker 01: 4:53

No, not at all. And I mean, just now in general, you know, when I kind of give people even a glimpse of what my life has been like for years, I mean, since about 2018, they're like, oh, my gosh, I had no idea. You know, well, of course you didn't because we had it. Well, you know, nobody wants to show the side of their marriage, you know, the inside of their home, everything that they can't control, you know, that everything's falling apart. You want everybody to think you're happy and you're not.

Speaker 00: 5:26

Yeah. So what made it feel easier to stay silent or avoid sharing back then? I

Speaker 01: 5:36

think it was that mentality of not wanting to rock the boat, per se. If I was just quiet, if I didn't say anything, if I just went along with... If I was just quiet, then... there was no reason for him to be upset or for him to, you know, lash out at me or be physical or whatever. I'm

Speaker 00: 6:01

sorry, Stephanie. That's crazy to think that. Yeah. Was there a moment, a turning point when something inside of you shifted? So when you got to that point where you thought, I can't keep living like this?

Speaker 01: 6:17

So I remember one day, like I said, it's been about six months ago. I remember thinking that I would never, ever find a way out of this marriage because it was almost like he was holding me there. He was holding stuff. over my head to keep me there as far as financial support, things like that, just making me believe I couldn't make it on my own. But I remember thinking that I would never get out of this marriage alive. The only way that I would get out would be the day that it was my time to die. And that's a scary thought, that you're that miserable that you see no way out other than when you die. And I remember praying to God and saying, you know, somebody, please just hear me without me saying something. Please see something. And, you know, there were people that started to see things and things that started to come out. And that was when things took the change and I took control and there were people there to help me.

Speaker 00: 7:25

Yeah. Who did you have as a good support system? Who were you able to reach out to? Oh,

Speaker 01: 7:32

my gosh. Like, one, definitely, you know, church community, you know, people that I hadn't talked to, like, you know, you, we haven't talked in, you know, quite a while, but just people that I wouldn't have ever thought would still be there, you know, were by my side in a heartbeat. People have come out of the woodworks, you know, that I didn't even know or, you know, through friends, you know, and they've been there and they're still there and just such a huge support system. Like, I couldn't do it without them.

Speaker 00: 8:05

Yeah. That's so good that you have people.

Speaker 01: 8:08

Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 00: 8:10

You said that learning to set boundaries was a huge part of your healing. What helped you begin to trust that you had the right to do that?

Speaker 01: 8:21

When I honestly started to tell myself that things that had been going on in my marriage were not okay.

Speaker 02: 8:31

Yeah.

Speaker 01: 8:31

You know, because I mean, during the marriage, he would always tell me, well, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be. You know, you're too soft, you know, or whatever it may be. But then looking at it, I'm like, no, these things are not right. You know, and I have that right to say no. I have that right to set boundaries no matter who you are. If you're my husband, you know, a co-worker, someone walking down the street, a friend, doesn't matter. You know, I'm my own person. And if I don't feel comfortable with something, then there needs to be that boundary. There needs to be someone stepping up and saying no.

Speaker 00: 9:08

Yeah. But you said you were afraid to do that in the beginning.

Speaker 01: 9:12

Absolutely. Because, I mean, I had been, again, you know, throughout my marriage, if I said no or wanted to set a boundary, then I was ungrateful, you know, uh, I was, you know, horrible wife, you know, for wanting to set boundaries or say no. Um, you know, so I didn't feel like I could, I didn't feel like I had that right because he made it seem as if because I was his wife, that wasn't my, my right.

Speaker 00: 9:43

So, uh, Were there any moments, the quiet ones, that stand out as especially painful or eye-opening during all of this for you?

Speaker 01: 9:52

Absolutely. So when I started to see also all of the effects of the abuse and everything going on spill out into my kids, you know, especially my 13-year-old daughter. You know, she started with the self-harm, you know, just getting into a deep depression, just withdrawn from family, friends, everything. And, you know, and I was like, something's got to change, you know, because this is not only affecting me, it's affecting the kids, you know, and I wasn't really seeing it until then. You know, I have the older boys. I think boys are a little bit different. You know, they take on a lot more and they're I don't want to say stronger, but you know, as men, you know, they are a little bit stronger and they don't show those things, but girls are a lot different. You know, they're a lot more emotional, more sensitive. And now she just didn't know how to deal with everything. And that was her way of dealing with it. And I couldn't, I couldn't continue to allow us to be, you know, in a situation where it could, I mean, honestly, possibly be fatal for her or anyone else, you know, at some point and had to stop.

Speaker 00: 11:10

Knowing that she was going through that while you were going through what you were going through, what were some things that you did to help her while still trying to survive yourself?

Speaker 01: 11:20

Yeah. So I think... What helped me some and I think that it helped her was realizing that she wasn't alone and I wasn't alone. Like we were both dealing with a lot of the same kind of in a way because she was feeling the effects of everything that I was taking on. So we had that connection as to where we could really talk through everything. But I always just encouraged her to remember like, we're going through this together, you know, like, I'm in therapy, you're in therapy, you know, you're not in this alone, you know, I have emotions, I can't understand and explain. And sometimes I don't know how to express them, you know, so you're not alone, you know, it just, I've just tried to be constantly reassuring to her, you know, that, you she's okay you know there's nothing because she would always bring up you know well i'm not normal yes you are you know you're completely normal it's just a bad situation you know and that we're going to get through this so just that constant reassurance again to her you know and i think that helped me reassuring reassuring her sometimes felt like i was reassuring myself you know just verbally saying it

Speaker 00: 12:42

Was there fear in imagining what life might look like on the other side of leaving? Absolutely. Yeah. What helped you push through some of that fear?

Speaker 01: 12:50

Yeah. So, I mean, we were married for nine years. So, I mean, some huge amount of time, but that's a good amount of time, you know, nine years and a child together. So I was used to a certain lifestyle, you know, and Going from two incomes to one income is always scary, you know, being a single parent. But what really pushed me, though, was do I want to live another nine years in this? Or do I want to live another nine years of being happy? Yeah. Even if that means being by myself. And that one won.

Speaker 00: 13:31

Yeah. Yeah. So what was the first bit of process? What steps did you end up taking? Yeah.

Speaker 01: 13:38

So when everything started happening, everything honestly moved pretty quickly. There were a lot of lies and just a lot of unfaithfulness that I found out about. I honestly went full-on mode. I automatically put a restraint in order against him, cut all communication, left my... I left a lot, and I just got an apartment and moved out. He wasn't in the home. My boys helped me move. They're best friends. They all showed up, and we got everything moved out. But when I say I cut all ties, I cut all ties. I left my phone. I got a completely different phone number. I threw out all wedding pictures, any pictures that we had together. I deleted everything off of my phone that ever pertained to him, pictures, text messages, voicemails, anything. I've had no contact with him other than court appearances for six months now. Wow. Yeah, and that has been the most freeing. I

Speaker 00: 14:56

bet. And I know being a military spouse... That's hard to do. It

Speaker 01: 15:02

is. It absolutely is. Because, you know, you still have a lot of ties. I mean, being married in general, you have a lot of ties. But being a military spouse, you're tied to them even more. Yeah. You know, and some things even have to go through him for you to be able to do. So not having that communication, it's like a game of email tag through chain of command.

Speaker 00: 15:26

Oh, my goodness. I can imagine. Yeah.

Unknown: 15:29

Oh, wow.

Speaker 00: 15:31

So once you got out, what did healing really look like for you? Not just the highlight moments, but what was the heart in between pieces?

Speaker 01: 15:42

My breaking point was literally, I remember being in the new apartment and I remember just sitting in the floor and just crying to God and Because I didn't know where to turn to. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I was lost, you know, and all I could do was cry. And I knew that God knew what my cries were for. And he knew exactly what I needed. And I just put that trust in him and went forward. And it has just been one good step after another. Yeah.

Unknown: 16:23

Yeah.

Speaker 00: 16:24

And I recently saw that you had baptism. Yes. Tell us about that. Oh,

Speaker 01: 16:30

my gosh. Yes. I mean, again, you know, like God has just moved mountains within this last six months. And to not show my complete surrender to him and show my faithfulness to him as much as he has shown it to me. It was just not even a question. I had to do it. It felt amazing and even more freeing. It's just a love that I felt that I had lost. There had been several times when I felt that God just was not hearing me and that wasn't true at all. He was there the whole time. It was just not His timing and now it is.

Speaker 00: 17:17

What was your relationship before with God? I mean, did you get baptized when you were young first or had you never been baptized? What was that like?

Speaker 01: 17:25

I had been baptized before. It had been several, several years ago. And I was, you know, on a good path, you know, and then just as life happens, you know, you stray away and you I don't want to say that I ever felt like, oh, you know, well, church or God's not important, but I just didn't put him in the forefront, you know, put other things before him. And so that, you know, of course hindered my relationship and how strong it should have been, you know, with God. And, but now, you know, it's like, I know that he has to be at the forefront for anything to go well, you know, and we're of course always going to, as humans, we're going to have trials that we go through, but You know, you just still have to keep him in front of everything and trust him.

Speaker 00: 18:15

Yeah. So really just surrendering and just giving it all to God was what you needed in that time frame. Yes.

Speaker 01: 18:23

I understand that. And I remember breaking down to one of my friends, you know, and just letting it all out and just frustration. And her response literally was, trust God. after everything I just poured out to her, her response was trust God. And I was just like, okay, well, this is what I'm going to do, you know, and that's what I just try to keep in mind, you know, with anything that comes up now, you know, just trust God, you know, and it's going to work out like it's supposed to.

Speaker 00: 18:55

Right. We want him so badly to just tell us the plan, but he really just wants us to give it to him so he can trust him. Yes, absolutely. What would you say to the woman who's listening and feels stuck or afraid to speak up in her own relationship?

Speaker 01: 19:13

Yeah, absolutely. So something that I would want everyone to know is you're never stuck. There's always someone that will listen and always someone that will help. I've made phone call after phone call after phone call to get to the people that I needed to help me. But there's always someone that's going to direct you on where you need to get someone that's going to be there to reach out and lift you up. So like I said, you're never alone and you're never stuck. You just have to make that effort to find those people.

Speaker 00: 19:50

I know it couldn't have been easy, but how have your kids been through all of this, and how has it been balancing now being a single mom?

Speaker 01: 19:59

The boys are, of course, older. They're 22 and 19, so they're out of the home. It's easier for them, I think. The girls are quite a bit different, especially our daughter that we have together. She doesn't understand why mommy and daddy are not together anymore. And I just try to remind her and the 13-year-old, everyone still loves you. You still have your family. Our family just looks different now. We live here and daddy lives there. That's the only thing that's changed. it's definitely a big change for everybody and it's it's hard even as an adult to go through those changes but when you have to try to explain those changes and comfort a child that can't understand you know it puts a whole different kind of pressure on you sometimes as being a single mom you know so but as far as balancing the single mom life it's actually working out a lot easier than what I would thought because again, you know, I have good people in my life now, you know, I have people that are there to help and support and they know that I'm in that single mom life now and they're like, okay, well, if you need help, let us know we're here. So it makes a huge difference. It really does.

Speaker 00: 21:27

Yeah. And I saw on your recent purchase, you bought yourself a car. I did.

Speaker 01: 21:35

Yes. I was super proud of myself for that because I literally had went in to the dealership and I was like, okay, you know, this is what I'm looking for. Price wise. I want to be able to, you know, I found something, I would say cheap that would just be dependable, you know, because I was like, from, again, being told, you know, you'll never be able to do this. You'll never be able to do that. I had it in my mind. I can't buy a car, you know? So I went in there and they were able to get me into a 2019. And I was just like, oh my gosh, within a price range, you know, that I was like completely comfortable with. And I was just like, mind blown and so excited. That was like a huge accomplishment. And it felt good. You know, it felt empowering. Yeah,

Speaker 00: 22:24

like I can do this.

Speaker 01: 22:26

Exactly. You know, it's just that confirmation. You know, you can't let those negative thoughts, you know, just rule your life. Because if you do, you're never going to get anywhere. And I've just been I don't want to say pushing those negative thoughts back, you know, because I don't want to want to suppress them. But I'm literally just pushing them out of my mind and replacing them with positive things. You know, even if it's, you know, I may not be able to do this, but I know I can do this, you know. So just that positive affirmation, I'm like really making that intentional in my life right now.

Speaker 00: 23:02

Yeah, I love that. Thank you. How have you been able just to kind of go through this, knowing that all these things in your past you obviously can't change? Yeah. But how have you been able to not keep the bitterness or the resentment and be able to keep moving forward? Because it is still fresh, right? Oh, absolutely. It's been six months, yeah.

Speaker 01: 23:22

Yeah, and one thing that really helped me is I had let that bitterness and anger just rule my life for so long. Yeah. And I was just completely tired of it. You know, it was eating me alive. And I literally just made the decision. I was just like, no more. You know, I'm not holding on to that anger. I'm not holding on to that bitterness. What he did is something that he will answer for. But what I do is what I will answer for. And I refuse to let it control my life anymore. So I did literally give it to God and I I pray for him now. Like, I really do. You know, and that's a hard thing to do after all the hurt, the infidelity, like everything. I pray for him because I do know there are a lot of areas that he needs help. And if he would let God help him, you know, and let God heal him, he could get past a lot. But it's not for me to do for him. He's going to have to accept that. But I'm not going to hold on to it and let it just eat me alive anymore. And

Speaker 00: 24:33

that's good for you. Was that around that same time that you decided to go get rebaptized?

Speaker 01: 24:39

And it was shortly before then, because I was just like, you know, again, still holding on to so much, you know, and I would find myself questioning, you know, like, you know, why would he, like somebody that's supposed to love you, why would they treat you this way? You know, why would they do this? Why would they continue to do this? And Like I said, I couldn't continue worrying over the past and what his actions were. I had to focus on me and not just for me, but for the kids. The kids deserve a mom that's happy and healthy and thriving. So I mean, I'm not just healing for me, I'm healing for them too.

Speaker 00: 25:24

So thank you, Stephanie, so much for sharing your heart and being so open. It's meant a lot to me to have you come on to my podcast and trust me with your story. Of

Speaker 01: 25:33

course. Thank you for allowing me to tell my story.

Speaker 00: 25:36

Absolutely. And I can't wait to see what the next chapter brings for you. Oh,

Speaker 01: 25:42

my goodness. Yes, you will definitely see and hear all about it. I

Speaker 00: 25:46

want to. Thank you. Thank you. Stephanie's courage to share this chapter of her life is more than just brave. It's freeing. For so long, she lived in survival mode, in silence and avoidance. But today, she's walking in healing. And by owning her story, she's offering light to someone else who might still feel stuck in the dark. Her message is simple, but powerful. There's always a way out. And if you're listening and you need to hear that, let this be a reminder. Your voice matters, your boundaries matter, and your healing is possible. Thank you for spending time with me and for listening to today's story, one that reminds us we're not alone in our mess, our healing, or our hidden chapters. If you haven't already, follow the show wherever you're listening so you never miss an episode. If you would, leave a review. It helps more than you know. And share this episode with a friend who might need to hear it. You can always reach out by email at hello at hiddenchapterspodcast.com. I'd love to hear from you or connect through the links in the show notes. And if you've got a story of your own to share, my inbox is always open. Until the next chapter, keep listening for what connects us the most.