The Hidden Cost of Military Life and the Courage to Choose Yourself

What happens when the life you built starts to slowly unravel not with a crash, but with quiet, unseen shifts?

In this episode, Liz Davis opens up about her journey as a military spouse navigating the emotional weight of constant change, the slow realization that her marriage was coming apart, and the courageous choice to put herself first and start fresh.

Liz shares the hidden realities of military family life, the sacrifices, silent struggles, and honest conversations with her kids about what was really happening at home. Beyond the challenges, she invites us into her story of rediscovering self-worth, creating a peaceful home, and launching a new career in financial planning.

This isn’t just a story about divorce, it’s about growth, clarity, and hope. Whether or not you’re connected to military life, Liz’s honesty about reinvention, parenting, and reclaiming identity will resonate with anyone facing a season of deep change.

A Personal Note from Genevieve:
This episode feels a little different, more of a real conversation about struggles Liz and I have both walked through. Having traveled a similar path in my own military marriage, I found myself adding more to this conversation not just as a host, but as someone who truly understands the quiet struggles and hidden chapters many military spouses face. Liz’s story reminded me why it’s so important to speak these truths out loud and choose ourselves, even when it’s hard.

✨ Key Takeaways from Liz’s Story:

• Military life demands a lot emotionally and mentally from spouses
• Identity can easily get lost in the role of “supportive spouse”
• Divorce is rarely sudden; it’s often a gradual awakening
• Rediscovering independence is challenging but deeply empowering
• Financial literacy can be life-changing after major transitions
• Reinvention is possible — even in midlife
• A peaceful home begins with personal growth
• Connection and community matter — you’re not alone

If Liz’s story speaks to you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. And if you know someone who could use encouragement today, please share this episode.

💻 Connect with Liz:
📧 Email: elizabetherindavis@hotmail.com
🔗 LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/liz-davis-finance

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey there. Before we get started, I wanted to give you a quick heads up. There are a few moments in this episode where you'll hear some background noise that couldn't really be helped. I decided not to re-record because this story is too important to miss. And honestly, life isn't always perfectly polished and neither are the chapters we talk about here. This conversation is honest, it's personal, and it touches on parts of military spouse life that don't often get said out loud, but they matter. Thanks for listening with me. Let's dive in. So I wanted to briefly pause and say that this conversation hits very close to home. Liz's story mirrors so much of my own. I grew up a military child and became a military spouse for so many years. We retired just three years ago. And what Liz is about to share is something I've lived parts of too. Truthfully, it's more common than people think and unfortunately rarely talked about. Military life asks a lot. You give up so much of your time, your stability, and sometimes parts of your own identity. And you do it out of love. But eventually, all that sacrifice builds up. And for a lot of couples, especially after retirement, when things settle and get quiet, you realize some things in the relationship shifted. Liz's marriage didn't end right at retirement. And while my own story looks different, I relate deeply to that slow realization, that quiet shift that began long before the uniform came off. So I want to acknowledge Liz and say how much I respect her for being willing to talk about this. I want to talk gently through this conversation because I see her. I see me. I see so many of us in this. And I think it's time we talked about it. So Liz, thank you for spending time with me this afternoon. Thank you. That was a beautiful introduction. Yeah. Well, let's go ahead and start with this. So you spent nearly two decades supporting your husband's military career, raising three kids, managing the home, and moving 12 times. When you think back on that season of your life, what roles or parts of yourself did you feel most proud of? Well, I

SPEAKER_01: 2:20

think both. I think that I would say the way most military spouses would reply as a military spouse and mom. I think when you get into this, when you become a military spouse, that starts with pride. You do it for love. You love your partner. You love the service. You love the life that you're building together. Yeah. When I look back at it, it just seems like a whole different world than what I have now. And my world now is fantastic. But when you look back, you definitely feel your role as a military spouse and you definitely feel your role as a mother because you take on everything. You know, you are the constant, the consistent. And it's not a point of contention. It's not, you know... this happened and I'm so frustrated that I had to take on all responsibility. You, I welcome, I absolutely loved it. I welcomed it, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 3:23

Yeah. Yeah, I have no regrets either. I've really loved the military life. Being military and growing up military, I used to always laugh and say, I'm never going to marry military. God had other plans on that one. Yeah, then you like marry what you know, right? Right. Yes, yes. So military life, we both know, demands a lot of spouses, emotionally, physically, and mentally. So how did that life shape your identity? And who did you become in that season that maybe you didn't expect?

SPEAKER_01: 3:55

Well, I feel like, I mean, when my ex proposed to me, I mean, I was a girl from, who was born and raised in Wisconsin. I went to college. I graduated from college and then I met him. And the idea of becoming a military spouse where it's kind of like a life of adventure, right? It was kind of outside of my norm to say, let's do it. But I did it. And, um, You know, I think that it makes you strong. It makes you resilient. I feel like these are all things that, once again, any military spouse can say. There's so many. It's like a double edged sword. All these things that make you so amazing can also be like the downfall of a relationship. But I think when you take on those household responsibilities, know not just because you have to be because you really wanted to create normalcy and stability you want it's just it's just a wanting it's a desire to do what's best for your family do what's best for your spouse it's out of love everything's out of love but it truly makes you so strong i think if you look back to who you are at age say 28 and then compare yourself to like 42 still as a military spouse you can see the difference and you can see the growth. I mean, I think when people meet me, they would absolutely say, you're an extrovert, you're outgoing, you're friendly, you're an extrovert. And I'm like, no, I absolutely am not an extrovert. This is, this is the military that has trained me, you know, because you have to, I mean, for lack of a better phrase, fake it till you make it like you, you have to, you have to throw yourself into it. I, I would always say to my husband, I would say, gosh, every time we move, you have like a new family, a new community, a new, new friends right there at your fingertips. And I have to figure it all out. I have to like, meet the wives and see if they're wackadoos or see if they're nice and ask for recommendations for the dentist or doctors or it's starting over every time. And so I think in the process of becoming a cheerleader for myself and my kids, like you just become that way naturally. You know, I feel like that carries over into everything that I do now is that if anybody has a struggle, if anybody's having a hard time, I feel like I'm always somebody's advocate or cheerleader because it's kind of like, you just don't know what you're capable of. I think that's the biggest thing that being a military spouse will give you is that you will realize how amazing you are. You're capable

SPEAKER_00: 6:45

of a lot. Right. When you look back and you think of all the things that you've been through, we kind of minimalize it too. And I think it's funny because I don't think back on some of those things and go, yeah, well, I just did it. But you talk to somebody who maybe hasn't had that experience. And they go, but you did that. And you're like, yeah. You know, so we just kind of we minimalize and we just go. It was just survival. It was what we did. It was just what we needed to

SPEAKER_01: 7:07

do. I think that's a lot of it. I think when stuff is so big and so almost traumatic, you're you just go into like a let's get through it, you know, because I've talked to civilians where their husbands have to go out of town for four days and they're very upset by it. Like I'm I have to be with the baby and this is so hard. And I asked my mom to come in and. You know, they'll look at me and be like, oh gosh, you went through a 15 month long deployment. How did you do it? You're like, well, there was no option,

SPEAKER_00: 7:36

you know? Yeah. I had this pastor's wife and he had to go for some training for about a week or two weeks. And here I came in, hairy looking, I was sweating. I had Izzy in a carrier and I had Charlize, you know, she was three. And I came walking in and one of the church ladies, I loved her dearly, she always would come in and she would take Izzy from me and she's like, give me that baby. And I would gladly throw Izzy at her. And I'd sit down just because it was that piece of quiet. So I was just sitting there and I remember one time her looking at me and she goes, I'm never complaining to you you know Chris has been gone for nine months and he left 10 days after so I had a two-year-old and a 10-day-old and my parents were in North Carolina Chris's family was in Washington State and I remember dropping him off early like 5 30 in the morning it was still dark because it was in September I cried a little bit at the steering wheel and then went Life's got to move on. Isn't that crazy? Those

SPEAKER_01: 8:37

are

SPEAKER_00: 8:37

crazy

SPEAKER_01: 8:38

circumstances.

SPEAKER_00: 8:39

Yeah. And we just, we did it. So I totally get that. So looking back, were there ever quiet moments where you felt yourself shifting? So even before the divorce, moments where you quoted saying, I'm more than this, but I don't know what that means yet.

SPEAKER_01: 8:56

Oh, for sure. I think it even starts with, I think that question of, is this what my life is? You know, I think that's probably a starting point of like, wait a minute, you know, you're doing all the things. And as life progresses and as your kids get older and your husband advances in his career, you suddenly think, wait a minute, I have just spent so much time doing for others. But is this what I wanted? Because, of course, you want to take care of and love and nurture your family. But what about you? So I think it starts with, is this what I wanted my life to look like? What is missing? What could I do about it? And yeah, I think that's where that little nagging comes in. But I also think that's very common. I feel like every single step along the way in my husband's military career I would have these conversations with other women. You know, when we went to like ILE in Leavenworth, Kansas, we're all around the same age at that point. And it was kind of the same thing, you know, kind of what can we do for ourselves outside of this? And I think a lot of the trajectory was women who either have very transferable jobs, like teachers or nurses, or they would get very, very involved in the military, whether that was like through spouses club or just running organizations. ILE courses. And I always thought to myself, but those can't be the only two options that there are.

SPEAKER_00: 10:37

It's like you either throw yourself into spouses clubs or you try to be that extrovert.

SPEAKER_01: 10:44

Yeah. And I think what's hard is that your spouse thinks, well, it shouldn't be that hard to be a military spouse because they'll be like, oh, well, you have community and you have spouses groups and you have all these extra things that you can do. To them, they feel like that they're providing you a community as well. And it's not quite the same.

SPEAKER_00: 11:08

Yeah. And that's hard to, I think, for them to understand. You went into already a built community. And if I didn't go out and take the moment to go, who can I meet? Who can I contact and get involved? And for the kids, too, we would be stuck at the house. It would be something we would be alone half the time.

SPEAKER_01: 11:28

That happens a lot. I think it's hard for people to put themselves out there. And you know, when there's, there's like a chart that shows a scale of all the traumatic things that can happen in people's lives and like divorces way up there, the death of a spouse or loved one is way up there, but even moving is traumatic, right? Like that's a big life change. And I think when you move somewhere, the fact that your soldier has that instant community and family and network, And if you're just not feeling it, if you're just, you know, you're trying to get your bearings and you don't have that compassion at home that someone's saying to you, I know this is rough. I know we're doing this again, but I'm going to be by your side and we're going to, we're going to get through this. You just feel like you're floundering and that you're not performing well enough. You should be able to get yourself out of this funk or out the door or meet the other spouses or whatever it is. Like you should be able to find satisfaction somewhere else because As a military spouse, we are very busy people, you know, and, you know. Oh, that's the assumption. Yeah. But, you know, busy doesn't always mean satisfied, right? Right. It just fills the void. Yeah,

SPEAKER_00: 12:45

absolutely. So you shared that the realization your marriage was ending wasn't loud. It was a slow, painful knowing. So what was that process like for you emotionally, especially as someone who's held it together for so long?

SPEAKER_01: 13:01

I think that more than anything, it's just an overlying frustration. That's the biggest thing, like a sadness, a frustration. We're so capable of so much. We, in general, tend to troubleshoot. We tend to want to solve the problem. We know that if we could just talk about it, outline it, that we can work it out because think of all the things that we've had to let go out before. The amount of deployments I've been through with young kids, we had to just gang up and figure out how to meet with other wives and make little groups and figure out how to get through it. Those are long, lonely days and times and you couldn't get through it if you didn't if you didn't make a plan if you didn't tell yourself that you're going to make it through it so when you feel that your marriage is falling apart when the communication isn't there when things aren't being shared when you're leading two separate lives the fact that you can't troubleshoot it the fact that all of your tools that you have like the way you normally the way you normally try to problem solve like nothing Nothing would work. And then, and then there's a hard part because then you have to become a little bit more vulnerable and then say like what you're scared of and why, why are we not getting along? And why don't you like me? And why does everybody else in my life really seem to enjoy me, but you can't stand me? What, what is going on? But you say those words and you're saying it in a way that you're trying to have conversation. And so there's not, I'm not crying. There's not a lot of emotion. And I think that's a hard disconnect because you would think that somebody would be very upset or like begging and pleading. And I just don't know if it's me that's not built that way or if it's just like the strength of a military spouse to not to know that tumbling down that road and getting very upset about something isn't going to fix it. Like you have to just call it out and be like, this is what I noticed. And this is really hard and this is hurting my feelings. And why can't we fix

SPEAKER_00: 15:15

this? I think, too, when we had to have the hard conversations, I had to hold it in a lot because it wasn't the right timing for them. Because I thought if we brought them up, they were just they were at the times he was getting ready to go on a flight or deploy or whatever. work or whatever it was. So you thought it would be like a distraction? Yeah. So sometimes I would have to hold it in. And then unfortunately, you know how that goes. You hold this one thing and this is going to build to this. And eventually when it finally builds and it explodes. Yeah. Then I'm coming at him with all the things that I had been holding on to. And he feels fully attacked, which rightfully so. But I really did. I was like, well, and then this and then this. And he's like, well, hold on. Why are you mad at me for this? Because we just didn't have time to talk about it. But it was frustrating. I think from my point of view was to just kind of watch him just take it in. But I didn't realize up until very recently that it was just his way of processing. But for him taking it in, Sometimes he would walk away or sometimes he would be like, I'm done. I'm not having this conversation. And I would take that as rejection or I would take that as you don't care. So we would never resolve any issues that we had before because of just the miscommunication and misunderstanding of how we were processing what was taken in. 100 percent. I feel like that is how my

SPEAKER_01: 16:39

ex responded as well. He would listen. And I would be talking and I would pause and say, what do you have to say? Like, do you want to say anything to me? Like, how do you feel? And he would say, I'm just listening. I'm just listening. Keep going. Keep going. And yeah, same thing. He would cut it off. Like I'm done. I'm done listening. I'm like, well, what do you have to say? And sometimes he would say, um, you know, the anxiety that I have is like in my own head or whatever he was, you know, if I was like, are you not happy? Like what's going on? He would say, well, that, something I have to work out. It has nothing to do with you. Like, don't worry. You know, it's hard to know what it is. Like, did I marry somebody who's just not a great communicator? Maybe. Did I marry somebody who thought that if you had tough conversations, that was somehow a critique of him? You know, I do think that soldiers are probably fairly ego driven. I think that's probably a fair statement. That's And that's how the military works with them. Like they get report cards and they get rankings and they get hail and farewells. It's a lot of ego driven stuff. So I think that's really hard. It's hard. It's like you're just begging somebody to love you. You know, that's what it comes down to. And that's a hard thing to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 17:57

Well, like I had said to you before, you'd mentioned that quote that I really related so much with. You said, you're the only person in my life who thinks this negatively of me. What did it feel like to be drawn for so long and find yourself in a space where you felt your worth was being questioned? Oh, it was

SPEAKER_01: 18:18

crushing. That's, that's really hard. Cause I think that infuses some self doubt. You know, if you see yourself a certain way and you know for sure the people around you see you that way. I had amazing friends. I have amazing friends. I have great family. I have great extended family. But when the person that you are married to and that you love the most or want to love the most, like you live your life with, doesn't, that seems to not feel the same way about you, you start to wonder, like, am I the problem? Like, is it me? What am I doing wrong? Like, what should I be doing? And it definitely makes you rethink almost everything. It's very hard. It's almost like an identity crisis because you're like, it goes back to the troubleshooting. That's the final step of troubleshooting is know coming fully around again because i think in the beginning you should always start with like what am i doing right like how could i better this what am i doing to contribute to it and when you start down the whole path at the very end it comes back to you like well maybe it is me I don't think that it ever was. I mean, he might argue differently, but, you know, it's hard. But it takes two.

SPEAKER_00: 19:39

Oh, for sure. It takes two. And I felt that so much when you had written that. And I just thought, no, marriage is perfect. But when you start feeling like it's you and it's your fault or, you know, that you're not worth it, it really sends you down this hole, you know, and you start questioning yourself. your value. Does anybody even need me? And you start questioning these things like, well, if I weren't even here, does it matter? So I really hate that, that that's a common thing. I think it's really hard. And I

SPEAKER_01: 20:09

think I said to my ex the last year or so that we were married, I said to him, if we were dating, I would have broken up with you a long time ago. I don't deserve it. any of this, but you have children and you have a family and you want to try to figure it out and you can't just abandon that responsibility. But when somebody sees you as something that you are not, and you do question your worth or your purpose or any of that, it's, yeah, your, your sad, deep, dark thoughts are, what if I just walk away from it all? I don't need to be here. But I would, yeah, the last year or so of our marriage, I would say to him, you weren't married. I would have broken up with you so long ago. I just don't deserve this treatment and I don't deserve like you not communicating with me is torture. You know, this is a marriage, a 20 year long marriage. Like you should be able to talk to me.

SPEAKER_00: 21:12

Right. So how did you keep showing up for your kids during this time? And Was there a moment in your thoughts where you said, I have to choose myself, not just survive for everyone else?

SPEAKER_01: 21:26

Well, I can say, I'll give you a little bit of like a timeline is we moved. My ex retired from the military in 2021 in August. And so we moved to Indiana. We bought a house and I moved out here with the kids in June. So I handled like that final move, the final PCS. And I just knew that I was going to make the best of it no matter what. I was going to make the best of it for the kids. We were in a great city, great school district, a new place, no longer in the military. Like we're going to stay put, right? So I just did it. My ex, gosh, I mean, it was hard. He retired. I think that there's, that's a whole nother conversation to have like that. They have an identity crisis, identity shift from transitioning from military to civilian. That's really difficult. And I was trying to help him through that and be a cheerleader and encouraging him to reach out to his friends and former bosses who have been there before him, you know, get guidance. So there was a lot of that. But in early 2023 is when he said that he thinks that he wanted a divorce. And so I would say that's the point where I knew it was over because I had been daydreaming about what life would be like not being married to him. Like you can feel that fall apart. But for him to actually say it was very hard. And I think to take care of the kids, I just had to put one foot in front of the other. make sure that they were still getting their stuff done, get them to school. But I also did get them into therapy. You know, I knew that they would need that. I had really hard days. I think anytime anybody goes through divorce, whether it's amicable or not, I wouldn't say ours was contested or contentious. It was just like stone cold. That's what I would call it. He said that he wanted it and it was done. there was no talking about it, right? And even when you brace for the worst and you anticipate it and you feel it coming, it just still crushes you and you have to survive because of your children. So full disclosure, I had a couple of panic attacks that my kids were witness to, but I do think that being open with your children and apologizing for the hard times explaining the hard times like not going into too much detail but you can't shelter them from everything right so absolutely um yeah i think i think it just goes back to we can all do hard things and military spouses are amazing at getting through hard things so let's you know let's chalk it up to going through deployments, going through trainings, having friends' husbands die, all these things. Let's just add on your husband walking out on you. You just get through it and you have to do your best. It's all you can do. I don't know if I'm doing it right. I feel like I have three really great, wonderful, healthy, well-adjusted kids, so I just try to do my best. That's what I say to them too. I'm always just trying to do my best. When it comes down to it, that's all I'm trying to do.

SPEAKER_00: 24:52

Right. I mean, you're there. You're just doing what you can do. I mean, shoot, they didn't come with a manual,

SPEAKER_01: 24:56

unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00: 24:57

Exactly. Right. Exactly. We're

SPEAKER_01: 24:59

doing the best that we can. Yeah. But like when I knew like my divorce was imminent, it was like, well, then I knew. So before he even decided to leave, I actually was starting to write letters. books here and there. I wrote how to save and invest for beginners, how to be an adult, little things, little projects. I've always been crafty. I've sewed, I've painted, I've loved writing. I've always done stuff. I've always tried to keep busy. And so when it was time where I'm like, oh my gosh, 20 years out of the workforce. Oh my gosh, it's time for me to jump in. Yeah, I just dove in with what I knew I always loved. I knew it was a gamble, but I just needed something to focus on. I mean, I had to get licensed. That was four very long, like proctored tests, you know, and I did it in 12 weeks. That's how dedicated I was. I mean, I would be sitting outside with my girls in the backyard in the summer, just studying, studying, studying, take a little 30 minute break with them, go right back to it. I mean, it was pretty crazy. But when I look back at that, I'm like, That was amazing. That was the best thing I could have done for myself and for them because they recognized it. They saw it. They're like, oh my gosh. Yeah. I know. So I think when your kids are proud of you, especially when they're still kids, I think it's different having like an adult child proud of you because they kind of get it. But when they're still kids and they tell you like they're proud of you or they see that you're doing a great job, you're like, oh my gosh.

UNKNOWN: 26:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 26:34

Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you, too, is getting started on the career portion, because after Chris retired, I was like, I want to I want to work. And it was 13 and a half years I had not worked. My prior work experience was a teacher. I taught high school English and I stepped out of the classroom and then became a mama. have no regrets. Of course, I loved that time. But, you know, during that time that I was staying at home, I stayed busy. I volunteered. I worked in the community, but it was all volunteer stuff. So when Chris had come to that retirement at the end, I started looking at my resume, trying to grasp all the things that I had done and build all this stuff and collect it to market myself. It was hard for me. I went through kind of my own identity and self-worth was like, well, A lot of this stuff is volunteer. Is anybody going to even acknowledge that? And so I really had to kind of push myself out there and go, I have value. I have value. Isn't that the

SPEAKER_01: 27:34

hardest part to like look back at your entire career as a military spouse and be like, no, but this is all valuable. This is all worthwhile. Like you have to convince somebody that what you have done is actually kind of amazing. And yeah, that's a hard sell. So what did Chris say to you when you were the one saying, it's my turn? Was he like, absolutely, heck yeah? Or was he like, we'll see? Like, what was he saying to you? I

SPEAKER_00: 28:04

can honestly say that Chris was really, for it. I know a lot of people where husbands were looking straight into something similar to what they were already doing in the military. Whereas Chris kind of took it where he goes, no, I'm done with flight. I want to do something completely new. So I know we had a conversation right before, right after he dropped his packet. And I said, if you are okay, I said, if we're financially good, I would like to try going back to work. You figure out what it is you want to do. And he was all for it. And so when we moved to Alabama, he had built up all of that terminal leave. So we actually swapped roles and he got comfortable taking the girls to school, doing all the grocery shopping, which he loves. He loves going clubbing every Friday. He goes to Costco and BJ's. That's his clubbing. He would go out and he would do all the things and he was okay with that. He was transitioning in his own way and he was also getting counseling at the the Veterans Center. So he was working on him. But I think what I ended up doing was in all of this transition, I kind of thought originally a job's going to fulfill whatever it is I was missing. And unfortunately, it wasn't. And I was still unhappy and there were still things that we needed to work through. To go back to the original question, he was happy that I wanted to go back to work and it gave me something to do. But in the relationship, we were just continuing to go on different paths and we weren't working on the relationship. And so a lot of things came to head when there was a lot of issues that we still hadn't worked through. Yeah. It's almost like you guys swapped. We did. Yeah. And and then he got to work on certain things because he was going through counseling that I actually didn't. And so when I was having these conversations with other spouses whose husbands were retired and I said, I'm still transitioning. That was where Chris and I had a disconnect because he would go, well, what else is there to transition? We've transitioned. And I said, no, this is a completely different feeling. I can't tell you what it feels like. I said, but I've lost something. I hadn't talked with anybody about it. And I realized I had grown resentful because he still had a successful career. For me, I would have to prove myself and go, well, this was my gap. And I'm completely going from something I hadn't touched in several years. And I didn't want to go back into teaching. So we swapped roles, but we didn't really work on The other stuff.

SPEAKER_01: 30:24

Well, yeah. And I think that just military life in general fosters that because I feel like there were times where we started to have those conversations, maybe, maybe more along the lines of like, you know. What about me? Or can I try to go back to school? Like when I first met my ex, I was about to go to law school. So it was kind of like playing with that. Like, when could I go back to school? Do I want to do something different? What about me? And I think there was always this overwhelming sense of like, well, just wait, just wait, you know, because we're still in this. Like, well, we're going to PCS in six months. Our next duty station is going to be 18 months. We moved so much, you know. So when it came down to the end of our marriage, when we were still married, my ex went full bore to get a new job immediately. Like he was obsessed. And I was like, we are financially okay. You can take six months and just relax and enjoy family and really figure out what you want to do. Anybody would be lucky to have you. You were an amazing soldier. You're a pilot. You have so much experience as a leader. Like I always says hype person, right? Civilian life. Oh my God. They would, they would love to have you. Right. And it's like, he couldn't, he couldn't see his value to the civilian world. He could only see his value as a soldier. And so he just went, he just jumped into it. And I would just say to him, you should take a break. Like be with your kids, be with your family. And he just looked at me and he's like, well, how about I sit around on my ass and you go to work? And I just remember like my stomach, my heart, everything sank. And I thought of all the horrible things that you could say to me because I have been willing to do everything everything for you for 20 years, that if he would have said something like, what do you want to do? Like, what are your dreams? Did you want to go back to work? I would have been like, oh my gosh. And then we could have a conversation about it, but to be spoken to that way was just crushing. And that's when I was like, this man does not like me.

SPEAKER_00: 32:47

Yeah. And unfortunately, too, right? It devalues everything that you have done up to this point. You have been his hype person. You have been his rock and kept the house and all that stuff. So I can understand where that cuts deep. Those are deep words that that's hard. And that goes back to if you loved me, why would you say that? That's hard.

SPEAKER_01: 33:08

You kind of feel like, and I've said this to him after the divorce and everything I even said to him, I just have this disconnect in my head of, You wanted a life and a family with me. We had an amazing life. We got to live cool places. We got to do cool things. The problem was that we just had a huge disconnect that never got resolved, right? And then he felt justified in any sort of actions or behaviors that he took. But it still is like, I feel that he blames me for everything. And I feel like that's a hard thing to... Yeah, that's a hard thing to accept. But like we did this all together. And like you said in the very beginning, when you kick this off, you do this all out of love. You do this 100% out of love. So at the end of the day, when everything falls apart, you know, that can happen. Divorces happen, relationships end, like it is what it is. But to still have like a disdain, it's a hard thing.

SPEAKER_00: 34:13

Yeah.

UNKNOWN: 34:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 34:14

Well, I want to go back because I don't want to forget this because I know you started talking about the financial planning. But I wanted to ask you, it was the first time in over 20 years that you got to focus on your own career. So now you're a financial planner. What drew you to that path specifically?

SPEAKER_01: 34:32

Well, I've always been into like investing, stock market and stuff. I learned about that at a young age. And when I was first married, I was a tax preparer. So always kind of been in the financial world. I was a marketing analyst for an actuarial firm, which is kind of like retirement benefits, that sort of thing. So it's always been in my blood. My dad worked in finance. My mom was an accountant. Like we're all nerds. We're all nerds over here. Much needed because that's something I can't do. So much needed. So I've always loved it. I've always handled our finances, like me and my ex's personal finances. And I've always like helped out other military spouses along the way. I remember about the time my ex was a major is when people started talking a little bit more about, you know, they start talking about first command and your TSP and during deployments they want to you to know, oh, you're getting some tax free money because you're deployed. I was the one who would remember all this stuff. And then the other spouses would like ask questions. And I realized quickly that the majority of spouses that I spoke to, whether or not they were working, defaulted everything. their spouse like they weren't tracking anything they did not know like how much they were saving they didn't know the percentage going to tsp they weren't quite sure of the balance of the retirement accounts they didn't have like a roth ira open for themselves there were a lot of things and so um i was always kind of you know very willing to talk about it if somebody had questions about it. Like that's just basically where it all came from is that I'm just a numbers nerd and really liked it. When I was married, like I said before, I did like little small business hustles. I sewed, I sold stuff on Poshmark. I wrote books. I mean, I've always have that in me. And so I feel like it's a natural thing to go into financial planning. I'm a fully licensed financial planner and advisor. So it means that I can do anything as far as insurance or annuities or investments. But my heart really, really is in that planning space where you look at somebody's whole picture and their whole situation and just say, here's what I recommend for you. And it has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me. It's like if they need help with debt management, I can help you. I specialize in military financial plan. That's a whole different world that not a lot of financial planners know about, you know. it just is it's solving a puzzle it's being helpful it's listening to what people want what they're concerned about what their goals are it's giving them a bunch of different recommendations you could do this this is an option here are things you're educating you are educating somebody and i feel like that feels like a very natural and kind and like just organic way to deal to to service people you know i think when people talk about finances they get very over they can get very overwhelmed they can also think that anybody in the financial world is kind of like uh i mean they could like snake in the grass right like they know a lot of stuff i don't know a lot of stuff they could take advantage of me right so I want to be like the open book, the educator, the helper. So I will help anybody. I do. I obviously have male and female clients. But anytime there's a woman who wants to know, wants clarity, just wants to be like empowered, I am 100% behind that. I think people don't realize that you can meet with a financial planner when life is really hard and that it can be a really good idea. You know, so if you're thinking about divorce, if you're in the middle of a divorce, if you're contemplating a big life change, if you have a child with special needs, like there are so many reasons for it and it's not a scary world. It's not. We are here to be of service, you know, and if you ever get a bad feeling about a financial professional in your life, do not work with them. Like you are allowed to shop around. You are allowed. But yeah, all that to say is that what I do is absolutely like comes from the heart and I just want to educate everybody. Because I think that people don't know what they don't know. And I think when especially women get education and knowledge about finances, we are unstoppable. We handle so many things. Think of all the things that you've handled over the last 20 years of your life and how you're like, oh my gosh, I pulled that off. Could you imagine if you had the financial knowledge of what you don't know right now? If all of a sudden it was input right into your brain, you'd probably feel pretty unstoppable. And so that's like what I want

SPEAKER_00: 39:34

for everybody. That's needed. So stepping into this next chapter of your life, what is it that has surprised you in a good way? I

SPEAKER_01: 39:46

think what has surprised me the most is that I am really, really good on my own. I think when you are a part of a couple for so long, and that has been your identity as a military spouse, that's a scary thought to be on your own. I remember when my ex first left, my first questions to myself were, who's going to want me? Single mom of three kids. At the time, it was like 10, 13, and 16, right? Yeah. what am I to somebody else? And what a horrible question. That is a horrible question. But when your whole identity has been the, I don't even know what you would call us, like the kickstand to somebody else, like you are holding somebody else up for 20 something years to not have that. Like, well, what am I and who's going to want me and who can I prove my worth to? I think that's a big thing of it is that my entire marriage was, was proving my worth to my husband and not that he demanded it and not that he was like, you have to prove your worth. You just always like wanted to, like you want to show that you're capable and that you're strong and that you can handle things and don't worry, I got this. So that carried over afterwards. I had to prove myself so much time has passed. I'm like, Oh my gosh, totally the opposite. Like I am If anybody wants to be in my life, they have to prove themselves to me. We are very good over here. I do not need to be raising somebody else up and like being the anchor to somebody else's career. Like I can have it all. So I think that's that. And it's a surprise. I mean, I guess it shouldn't be that much of a surprise. It's like you really know yourself. But I think that's the biggest thing is when you walk away from that, you're like, wow, I know myself. better than I have in a long time. And I really like myself. So that's always good, too. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 41:58

You're your own company sometimes. For sure. Well, that's also an interesting thing that you said, too, because I wanted to ask. So what do your kids see in you that maybe they hadn't seen before then?

SPEAKER_01: 42:09

Honestly, I think that they see what they've always seen, which is like just a lot of driving, getting stuff done. But now I They see a lot more peace. I think they see so much more peace. I think they see someone who laughs a little bit more, jokes around with them. I'm like a little bit more casual with them. I think before when you are just, you know, when you are operating at a stress level, you are more clipped, you're more impatient, you're more, you know, go to your rooms, quiet, everybody away. Where now... we just have a very peaceful house. And I think that everybody like recognizes that and it's much appreciated. I feel like before, if we had a day without me getting frustrated or somebody getting frustrated or some sort of something, right? Like kids either yelling at each other or me just getting annoyed with them or my ex throwing a wrench into something, having a good day with a rarity is, And now it's completely the opposite where everything is smooth sailing. And every once in a while, we'll all have like a really crappy day. And the next day, it's like all of us are very, very, it's easy for all of us to say, oof, I'm sorry. That was a lousy day. And like you said before, I didn't grow up saying I'm sorry. So the fact that like my household can actually say like I'm sorry is

SPEAKER_00: 43:42

huge. I love how all of my conversations are overlapping, but I was just having this conversation with another friend about how our body, we don't realize how much stress that it's kept. And she recommended, she was the second person actually to recommend that book to me, The Body Keeps the Score. Yeah, so I didn't know about that book. But I also just found just in the recent couple of weeks too is that I've gotten really comfortable being in that fight or flight mode and something that now that I'm going through counseling, I have a wonderful counselor I'm so grateful for, but she's allowed me to kind of look at things and understand where that anger is coming from, because it is coming not just from him, but from family and all these other things. And once I can do that for myself, it'd be so much more peace because I didn't realize the job that I was in, everything else that I thought was going to make me happy. I was still just in this tense mode. And I just remember bawling, literally bawling my eyes out in the counselor's office. And I was like, I'm angry. And she's like, be angry. And my body is doing this. And she goes, what is your body physically doing? And it was the first time I really took a assessment of my body. I'm like, okay. I'm tense. I've got headaches every day. My body aches. You know, I'm not exercising. I'm not eating well. So all of these things I realized, a lot of that stress, I've been carrying for many, many years. I think that's probably the

SPEAKER_01: 45:07

biggest thing that affects women, like in their, yeah, I mean, mid-30s and on up. I think from 2017 to 2023, I had been to the doctor so frequently, so frequently. why can't I lose weight even though I'm exercising all the time? Why do I have headaches 22 out of 30 days of the month? This is not normal. Why are my fingers tingling? Why does my leg go numb sometimes? Why do I feel like I have cramps all the time when I shouldn't be having cramps all the time? Like a host of things that were wrong. It was insane. I'm like, is this just getting closer to 40? Is this what my mom was talking about this whole time? Once you get to 40, like you fall apart. And then like six months after my ex left, I remember going to the doctor. And this time I went because I did need like some sort of anti-anxiety type stuff. I needed some sort of help. However, every other thing that I complained about, because I was also having the fibs prevention. preventricular contractions where my heart was having irregular heartbeats and I had elevated heart rate that I couldn't control and I had to be on beta blockers. And within six months of him leaving, every single thing went away. And my doctor was like, I'm very, very sorry that that's what it took. She said, I'm very happy that you're feeling better. I'm sorry that's what it took. And she looked at me and she goes, cortisol can kill you. She's like, that stress hormone can absolutely kill you. And I said, I had no idea. I thought that I was just like taking care of stuff and handling stuff and getting through stuff. And my therapist looked at me and was like, Liz, being able to handle everything, being like an over, you know, over functioner is not a good thing. No. She's like, that's like a trauma response. Like you can't live that way. And it blew my mind. This is how I've been operating for like two decades.

SPEAKER_00: 47:09

Right, right. And you got comfortable. And I love this too, that we're having this conversation because I was just having this with the counselor. And I remember telling her, I said, I think for me specifically, when Chris and I are good, we're good. But when we're bad, We fight so hard and then we walk away from each other. And then it's like round two, round three. She's like, when that cortisol is running high, neither one of you are thinking straight. She goes, you need to actually give yourself a timeout. Walk away. Don't stew, but walk away. Oh, that's so hard to do. That's so hard. Still working on it. Believe me, it's not going to be perfected anytime soon. But you know, that's what I do. I stew. I walk away and I stew. She goes, you got to lower that cortisol. So

SPEAKER_01: 47:45

much easier said than done because my doctor would say that for years. I've got to lower your cortisol. Like how? She's like, you need to relax. Like go get some massages, like make sure you're exercising. It's like I'm doing all this stuff, you know. I'm

SPEAKER_00: 47:58

loving this, by the way. This is so awesome. It's so good. Are you? No, it feels good.

SPEAKER_01: 48:03

Yeah, because I feel like so much of what I'm saying, like you said that you've spoken to other people. exactly the same for me like I recall in conversations that I've had I think I told you this that when my ex first left me I reached out to a friend who I knew her husband was having a hard time transitioning and I said hey how long did it take for him to feel like himself again how long until everything was okay and there was a pause and she was like Liz he left me and I was like re-devastated on top of my own devastation. And then I heard stories from her about other people and I'm like, and you hate to be dramatic and be like, it's an epidemic, but honestly, it's kind of an epidemic. Whether or not all these marriages fail, there is something about that timeframe, right? Usually like around transition or at least around X amount of years of married and having a family within the military, because that's a hard life. But, um, It happens. And like, what are people doing to help it? I don't know that there is a lot of help.

SPEAKER_00: 49:08

It's still one of those conversations not a lot of people are willing to have. There's so much more that we haven't talked about. So I love this. I don't know that you and I, two powers that be, will be able to make a bigger change. There's not enough conversation. Yeah. We can

SPEAKER_01: 49:23

keep on having the conversation for sure. I feel like every time you have the conversation, people are like, yes. Me too, us too. I think a lot of it also is like, I was asking myself, do I even like him? Do I even like this life? I think a lot of people who just go through the motions aren't even thinking of those things, honestly. So

SPEAKER_00: 49:46

exactly. Well, I want to go ahead and before we head into our wrap up, I wanted to ask, so what's something you wish people asked about you more often? Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_01: 49:57

You told me this question. I was like, that is a crazy question. Isn't it great? I had to go back and figure out how would I answer that myself? I know. I mean, there's so many like funny different ways you could answer it. Kind of like, I wish somebody would be like, hey, what would you like for dinner? And can I treat you to massage? And I would be like, absolutely. And steak. I don't know. But I think one of the things, and this is just like, it's a tiny thing, but you know how when people know that you're going through a rough time they'll be like how are you I wish that people would just say that more often on every day like how amazing is it to have great days and have somebody be like hey how are you doing and you're like I'm fantastic I am great I think just checking in with people on the regular is one of those things that I wish people asked me more about is just how I'm doing and not just in the times where they know that I'm having a hard time or they know that, you know, something has passed, whatever it is. But I think that would probably be a big one. I

SPEAKER_00: 51:00

love that because, yeah, it's it's not a question you just throw out like, oh, how are you? Good. How are you? It's a real question. It's a how are you? How are you?

SPEAKER_01: 51:11

How are you doing? Like, how are you doing? How is it going right now? And You know, when things are hard and people ask you that, you almost feel guilty because you don't want to like burden. You don't want to be like, oh, things are so hard, you know. So I think people kind of like shrug that off unless they're like a very close friend. You can be like, it's terrible. Everything sucks, you know. But if somebody really asks you like, hey, how are you doing? And you know that you're great. Isn't that the best feeling to be able to just voice that? Everything's wonderful.

UNKNOWN: 51:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 51:43

Very happy. Very great. So how are you? I am wonderful. Very good.

SPEAKER_00: 51:56

Well, I'll remember that because it's true. I would love the same thing. I really want somebody to be like, so really, how are you?

SPEAKER_01: 52:03

Yeah. And especially if like you have a friend that, you know, like has had a hard time and you see that she's looking like happy or normal, whatever it is. And you're just like, how are you doing? And if she says to you, like, I'm really great. Like, doesn't that make you feel good, too?

SPEAKER_00: 52:17

Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you're doing well. I love that. Even after all the hard things that we've talked about. Yeah. chapter of your life right now is good. Holy smokes. It beats like

SPEAKER_01: 52:27

being sat on the bathroom floor, like wanting to die because that definitely is a stage of divorce. I mean, I feel like I have to be realistic about that. If anybody goes through divorce, that's a stage no matter what. It's scary as hell, but you will get through it. I promise. But that's a stage laying on your bathroom floor, crying, wishing you would just disappear into a hole or have a truck hit you or something. But yeah, On the other side, you will be glad that you did not fall into a hole and die.

SPEAKER_00: 52:58

Right. For the military spouses that are listening that felt like they've been the glue, but they've lost themselves in the bit of this process. What would you want to tell them? I think the biggest thing is that whatever

SPEAKER_01: 53:12

it is that you want, you can do it. There's no age limit on it. Like reinvention is possible at any age. after any chapter. You don't have to have it all figured out to do it. You just have to take that first step. I think that's the hardest part is just going for it. And another thing is that you're not alone. I feel like if this, you know, just us speaking, you know, shows to anybody, there's going to be a lot of people who are like, oh my gosh, me too. Oh my gosh, I get it. You know, So nobody's ever alone in this. So even if you're overwhelmed or lost or afraid or whatever it is, you can be empowered. There's people that you can reach out to. There's a whole community. I know that somebody posted recently on LinkedIn asking for military spouses just to reach out and say who you are. If you're a military spouse, comment on this because they wanted to have like a community. And I put on their former military spouse, but we're always family, right? Those shared experiences that shared that camaraderie. And I feel like any military spouse can absolutely find somebody who will empower her and love her and help her on her journey to whatever it is that she wants to do. But I think that not knowing who you are questioning your identity, your purpose in the world is a very hard and scary place to be. And I would say, don't be too freaked out by it. I know it's terrifying, but don't let it, don't let that define you. Because on the days where, you know, the sun shines in the morning and you feel like that spark of hope, jump on it then. That's when you jump on it. You know, I'm always the one that is like, you can do this. And if you feel like you can't, I'll, I'll, hang with you. I'll be by your side until you figure it out, you know, and then fly away, little birdie. But that's all I want. That's all I

SPEAKER_00: 55:07

want. I am getting inspiration from all of the strong men and women I'm hearing stories from. And we all need those people to just be like, I'm here with you. You can do this and really get what you need in those times. The podcast has been amazing listening to all of your strengths and what you've been through and really getting that validation that in anything that we've ever done, we're not alone. We've all been through something, if not the same, but something similar. And you're going to be the same way. You're going to be on

SPEAKER_01: 55:45

the other side of whatever it is and be able to tell like your story, like whatever happened, whatever happens, it's okay. You know, as long as you feel like you are being true to yourself and that you are being a kind person with integrity, I just don't know how anybody can go wrong. You know, right.

SPEAKER_00: 56:08

Well, the one last thing is for anyone that wants to connect with you, whether it's for what you're doing now as a financial planner or for just some encouragement, where would be the best place for them to find you? Oh, I think the best place to find me is on LinkedIn.

SPEAKER_01: 56:21

You can find me and it's Liz-Davis-Finance. That's pretty easy. So it's like linkedin.com backslash IN from Indiana backslash Liz hyphen Davis hyphen finance. But if anybody wants to just shoot me an email, my personal email is my full name and that's Elizabeth. Erin Davis at Hotmail.com. And I love it when I hear from people. I will have random people send me messages or just reach out. And like I said, it makes a big world smaller. And I'm always here to, you know, listen to somebody or help somebody

SPEAKER_00: 57:04

or support somebody. So. Yeah, well, I will definitely put those in the show notes, too, so everybody can can see those. But I love your heart, Liz. Thank you for this. This has been

SPEAKER_01: 57:14

therapeutic for me too. Wonderful. I love it. Thank you so much for letting me share a little bit about myself and my story. And I loved speaking with you. And I'm always in your corner.

SPEAKER_00: 57:26

Thank you for this. I'm still sitting with so much of what Liz shared. From the quiet unraveling of a marriage to the bold decision to begin again. Her story isn't just one of loss. It's about choosing yourself, even when it's messy and hard. What struck me most is that Liz never let anger become the ending. She chose growth. And now she's living with more purpose and clarity, not just in her career, but in how she sees herself. There's deep power in naming the hard things. And so for many military spouses, especially, adapting to the challenges has become second nature. But behind the scenes, these hidden chapters don't always get talked about. That's why stories like Liz's matter. Not to tear anything down, but to share what's real with gentleness and strength. If this conversation resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. And if you know someone who needs to hear it too, share it with them. You can also check the show notes for ways to connect with Liz, whether you're looking for financial guidance or just a bit of encouragement to take your next right step. My heart with Hidden Chapters is to help more people feel seen in their own stories. If that matters to you too, follow the show, share it with a friend, and help me keep making space for the stories we don't usually talk about. Thank you for being here. Until next chapter, keep listening for what connects us the most.